Update

I’ve been very quiet for a while now. Sorry for that! But I’ve had a lot to thing about the last 1,5 week, and the result of that is not wanting to update.

What happened was that I had an argument with my friend, and because of the fight I had a breakdown. This breakdown made me call my doctor asking for an emergency appointment. And I got one wednesday last week (two days after I called). I was inside talking with my doctor for about an hour or so, telling him about my problems, showing him my cuts, and telling him about my feelings, and all this made him decide to write a letter of recomandation to a mental institution, and send it the same day. So now I’m wondering about how long I have to wait for some feedback after this recomandation.  The answer from the institution will most likely be an appointment for a meeting with one of the people there, and then discussing ways of treatment. Either its going to be admition for 24/7 treatment, or just meetings with a psychologist. Im hoping for the first kind of treatment.

So that means that the people closest to me now knows whats going on. The only person I didnt tell yet is my father, and telling him is what makes me the most nervous. So I’m going to write it all down, and make him read it. Hopefully I will do that tonight. He gets home between 22 and 23 o’clock from work, and then its about time to tell him and let him know. I have to be the person telling him, so he wont hear it from anyone else than me.  It can hurt him even more if anyone else tell him, than if he get the news directly from me.

Wish me luck!

Oppdatering

Har vært stille fra meg alt for lenge nå. Beklager dette! Men jeg har hatt mye å tenke på den siste 1,5 uken, noe som har resultert i lite blogglyst.

Det som skjedde var rett og slett at jeg kranglet med venninnen min, og jeg fikk et sammenbrudd. Dette sammenbruddet førte rett og slett til at jeg bestilte hastetime til fastlegen min, og fikk time forrige onsdag (to dager etter jeg ringte). Var inne til legen i nesten en time, og etter å ha fortalt legen om problemene mine og følelsene mine, samt at han fikk se kuttene mine, så bestemte han seg for å sende en henvisning til DPS samme dag. Så nå er jeg spent på hvor lang tid jeg må vente før jeg får tilbakemelding på denne henvisningen. Da får jeg mest sannsynlig innkalling til samtale, og deretter blir det drøftet hva som skal skje videre av behandling. Enten innleggelse med behandling, eller kun behandling. Jeg håper på førstnevnte.

Så det vil si at nå vet mine nærmeste om hva som skjer. Den eneste jeg ikke har snakket med om dette er min far, og det gruer jeg meg mest til. Så jeg skal skrive alt ned, og la ham lese det selv. Nå ikveld helst. Han kommer hjem mellom 22 og 23 ikveld, og da er det på tide å la ham vite det. Jeg må være den som sier det til ham, så han ikke får høre det fra noen andre enn meg. Det kan såre ham mer at noen andre sier det, enn at han får høre det direkte fra meg.

Ønsk meg lykke til!

Norwegian or english?

Even though I’ve had this blog for some days no, I still didnt decide if I should write in norwegian or english. I’ve allready gotten in touch with a very nice lade from the US, but I kind of feel that it is little bit unfair that I can read about her life and her stories, while she cant get the same use out of my blog since I’m writing in norwegian?

But I’ve decided to write the posts twice. One time in norwegian, and after a couple of days I will translate it into english when I got the energy for it.

The only fear I have about writing this blog, even if its anonymous, is that somebody that knows me and my story will find it at recognize me. I hope I dont have to worry about it and that it wont happen. Because right now I really need to let my thoughts flow, and write exactly what I feel inside when I am fighting this battle with my own mind and body.

This was an silly article.. *publish*.. Start all over again..

Who am I?

Thats a question I often ask myself. Who the hell am I? What kind of personality do I have? And whats the reason for giving me all this pain and resistance in life?

I dont have to explain it any furter right now. But what I can tell you is this:

I am a girl in my early twenties, and I share an apartment with one of my best friends in the world. Exactly where I live in Norway is better that I keep for myself right now. And thats because I prefer having this as an anonymous blog. And use this blog as a sanctuary where nobody knows who I am. I could be your neighbour for all you know. Or your room-mate. I am your daughter, niece or cousin, without you knowing it.  I write these posts to let out some of the darkness thats hiding inside me.

I’ve struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember, where most of the time has been filled with shitty mood and episodes. But I’ve also experienced a few good times that I really cant complain about.

I used to go to a therapist, but since the therapist I had was fresh in the game, I couldnt bare continuing to go there. So I was faking the fact that I was getting better, så my therapist would finish the sessions with me. And it worked, not only convincing the therapist that I was feeling good again, but also I convinced myself.  But that bubble of “happines” broke about 3,5-4 years ago, and since then I’ve been struggling a lot.

The last 6 months has been awful, and I’ve had to take a lot of shit from family and friends complaining about me, my economy is bad, I dont have energy for anything, but still I am pushing myself everyday. I have one thought in my mind all the time, and that is to earn money. But I have to try and push that thought away. The pain I feel inside me, cant be explaned in a proper way, other than it feels like my heart turns into concrete, before it slowly breaks into little pieces. And I can feel every crack and the pain when it breaks.

I am struggling depressions, anxiety, nausea, migraine, self-harm and etc. And because of this I am considering the option of admitting myself to a mental-institution. I want to do this to sort out the reasons for my problems, and if there by any chance can be a logical explenation for my returning depressions. Maybe I am bipolar? But I dont know yet, at least not until I get examined for it.

 

Hvem er jeg?

Et spørsmål jeg ofte stiller meg er nettopp det. Hvem faen er jeg? Hvilken type personlighet har jeg? Og hvorfor i all verden måtte nettopp jeg møte så mye motstand?

Jeg trenger ikke utdype dette noe nærmere riktig enda. Det jeg kan fortelle er følgende:

Jeg er ei jente i tyveårene, jeg bor i en leilighet som jeg deler med en av mine beste venninner. Hvor i landet jeg befinner meg vil jeg dessverre ikke dele riktig enda. Dette fordi jeg helst ønsker å ha dette som en anonym blogg. En plass hvor ingen vet hvem jeg er, jeg kan være naboen din for alt du vet. Eller samboeren din.  Jeg er datteren din, niesen din eller kusinen din, uten at du vet det. Jeg skriver mine innlegg her for å få ut det mørkeste mørke som gjemmer seg inni meg.

Jeg har slitt med psyken min så lenge jeg kan huske, stort sett sammenhengende der alt har vært dritt, men innimellom har det vært et par ytterst korte perioder som jeg ikke kan klage på.

Jeg har gått til psykolog, men pga at denne psykologen var nyutdannet når h*n fikk meg i arkivet sitt, så orket jeg ikke fortsette å gå dit. Så jeg faket faktisk bedring, så jeg skulle bli friskskrevet. Det endte med at jeg fikk viljen min, og at jeg tydeligvis overbeviste meg selv også om at jeg hadde det bra. Men den boblen slo sprekker for 3,5 – 4 år siden. Og siden da har jeg slitt mye.

Det siste halvåret har vært preget av mye dritt fra familie og venner, jeg har dårlig råd, jeg orker egentlig ikke noen ting, men pusher meg opp daglig. Tanken om at jeg må tjene penger er konstant i bakhodet mitt. Men den må avvises momentant. Jeg går med smerter inni meg, som ikke kan forklares med andre ord enn at det kjennes ut som om hjertet blir til betong, før det sakte men sikkert knuses. Og du kjenner hver bidige sprekk og smerte i hvert knus.

Jeg sliter med depresjoner, angst, kvalme, migrene, selvskading etc. Og pga dette veier jeg alternativer opp mot frivillig innleggelse. Dette for å komme til bunns i hva problemene mine grunner i, og om det faktum at jeg har vedvarende depresjoner over så lang tid som jeg har hatt. Det er en mulighet for at jeg er bipolar, men dette er ikke sikkert enda da jeg ikke har fått noen ny utredning.

Kommer vel mer om meg og mine psykiske problemer (litt mer utdypende) senere ikveld..