Emotional rollercoaster

I know it’s tabu, that its not “accepted” in the norwegian society to find love in another country. A lot of prejudice and opinions that tells you that you are stupid, naiv and making a mistake. I allready have a past with finding love in another country. I was in a relationship, and later engaged to a turkish man from August 2011 to May 2012. And also from July 2012 to September 2012 I was in a relationship with another turkish guy. But now I’ve been single since September last year. I lost little bit faith in love after that last relationship, and I was thinking that no man could ever love me. That I was just someone to use for fun or something like that. I thought I found true love with both of them, even if I was unhappy in both relationships. Understand it if you can..!

But now, I find myself falling for yet a turkish man. This time, its a “grown” man. He is 27 years old, and we are at the same place in life. My ex-boyfriends were 22 and 25, and immature as hell. But what makes me feel safer about this guy’s feelings for me, is the fact that he had to fight for me. And he did, without complaining about it. I was interesten in another man, and we had something going on between us. But even if I had this other guy, I still talked a lot with Alex (fake name) every night. He told me about his feelings for me. That he still regret the fact that he didnt take a chance when he had the opportunity the first time we met. He told me that he fell for my eyes, my smile, my temper and the fact that I’m not afraid to speak out if something is bugging me. But when I told him about the guy I was “going out with”, he pulled away. And he still regret it after all these months.

After endless conversations with Alex the last months, and the honesty between us, I now find myself being in love with him. I’ve stopped talking with my ex-flirt, because he doesnt seem serious at all. Alex, on the other hand sends me texts throughout the day, and we talk with eachother several hours every day and night. I’ve been honest with him, and I’ve told him that I am falling for him, but that also made it hard for me to know what to do about this other guy. And he understood me, but knowing this made him fight for me. He fought to make me forget about this other man, and that I just wanted to be with one person; him. And a couple of weeks ago, I had a breakthrough.

I was talking with Peter (fake name for the other guy). And the butterflies I previously had for him, was gone. They had disappeared from my heart and body. But when I talked with Alex, the butterflies came back. The feelings, heart beating faster at the sight of seeing him on cam. The non-stop smiling and laughter. Everything felt right. And I knew that Alex is the one that I want. And now its us. The love-messages is sweeter than caramels dipped in sugar, and I am longing for the moment I can be with him again. Spending time with him, and feeling his arm oround me, the feeling of being just the two of us. I am in love with this amazing guy, and I love how we communicate with eachother, and how much we communicate. And the fact that we can be honest with eachother all the time.

But someone will probably react about the way we’ve found eachother. Through internet, serious conversations, loveydovey texts and laughter. Without spending so much time with eachother “in real life”. But this is how I feel. I am in love with Alex, and I have feelings beyond this world for him. Right now there’s just want thing I want to do. Jump on a plane, and go to him, and never go back to Norway again. Just be him and me, the two of us against the rest of the world. Even if I am struggling with my depressions, I dont think about the pain on my inside as long as I talk with him. But the minute he goes to work, and cant come back online until 3-4 in the morning when he quit his shift, I feel lonely and abandoned. I get worried, and everything feels painful and bad again. So the last few days, when he had the opportunity to not work as much, but talk with me online instead, well.. I’ve been lucky to have great days instead of awful. These days was actually good enough to keep me away from the razorblades and the self-harming.

I am a depressed, anxietyfilled self-harmer that suddenly have fallen in love in the middle of it all.

Hello emotional rollercoaster?:P

Jeg er en deprimert, angstfylt selvskader som har blitt forelsket oppi det hele. Heisann følelsesladd karusell?:p



I’ve been very quiet for a while now. Sorry for that! But I’ve had a lot to thing about the last 1,5 week, and the result of that is not wanting to update.

What happened was that I had an argument with my friend, and because of the fight I had a breakdown. This breakdown made me call my doctor asking for an emergency appointment. And I got one wednesday last week (two days after I called). I was inside talking with my doctor for about an hour or so, telling him about my problems, showing him my cuts, and telling him about my feelings, and all this made him decide to write a letter of recomandation to a mental institution, and send it the same day. So now I’m wondering about how long I have to wait for some feedback after this recomandation.  The answer from the institution will most likely be an appointment for a meeting with one of the people there, and then discussing ways of treatment. Either its going to be admition for 24/7 treatment, or just meetings with a psychologist. Im hoping for the first kind of treatment.

So that means that the people closest to me now knows whats going on. The only person I didnt tell yet is my father, and telling him is what makes me the most nervous. So I’m going to write it all down, and make him read it. Hopefully I will do that tonight. He gets home between 22 and 23 o’clock from work, and then its about time to tell him and let him know. I have to be the person telling him, so he wont hear it from anyone else than me.  It can hurt him even more if anyone else tell him, than if he get the news directly from me.

Wish me luck!

Something to die for…

For a few days now, I’ve been feeling that a special kind of thought is bullying my mind.

How many tablets do I have to take before it kills me?

I dont know. What I do know is that painkillers isnt good in the long run. And that we shouldnt take more painkillers than what the doctor said. But I can actually take 4 x 500mg painkillers (paracetamol) when I have a headache, and I dont even feel tipsy. And I have to admit that I get curious about how far I can push the limit? And preferably crossing it. One box, or two?

But I’m to much of a coward to try to find it out. At the moment, its just curiousity playing mindtricks on me…

Norwegian or english?

Even though I’ve had this blog for some days no, I still didnt decide if I should write in norwegian or english. I’ve allready gotten in touch with a very nice lade from the US, but I kind of feel that it is little bit unfair that I can read about her life and her stories, while she cant get the same use out of my blog since I’m writing in norwegian?

But I’ve decided to write the posts twice. One time in norwegian, and after a couple of days I will translate it into english when I got the energy for it.

The only fear I have about writing this blog, even if its anonymous, is that somebody that knows me and my story will find it at recognize me. I hope I dont have to worry about it and that it wont happen. Because right now I really need to let my thoughts flow, and write exactly what I feel inside when I am fighting this battle with my own mind and body.

This was an silly article.. *publish*.. Start all over again..

Who am I?

Thats a question I often ask myself. Who the hell am I? What kind of personality do I have? And whats the reason for giving me all this pain and resistance in life?

I dont have to explain it any furter right now. But what I can tell you is this:

I am a girl in my early twenties, and I share an apartment with one of my best friends in the world. Exactly where I live in Norway is better that I keep for myself right now. And thats because I prefer having this as an anonymous blog. And use this blog as a sanctuary where nobody knows who I am. I could be your neighbour for all you know. Or your room-mate. I am your daughter, niece or cousin, without you knowing it.  I write these posts to let out some of the darkness thats hiding inside me.

I’ve struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember, where most of the time has been filled with shitty mood and episodes. But I’ve also experienced a few good times that I really cant complain about.

I used to go to a therapist, but since the therapist I had was fresh in the game, I couldnt bare continuing to go there. So I was faking the fact that I was getting better, så my therapist would finish the sessions with me. And it worked, not only convincing the therapist that I was feeling good again, but also I convinced myself.  But that bubble of “happines” broke about 3,5-4 years ago, and since then I’ve been struggling a lot.

The last 6 months has been awful, and I’ve had to take a lot of shit from family and friends complaining about me, my economy is bad, I dont have energy for anything, but still I am pushing myself everyday. I have one thought in my mind all the time, and that is to earn money. But I have to try and push that thought away. The pain I feel inside me, cant be explaned in a proper way, other than it feels like my heart turns into concrete, before it slowly breaks into little pieces. And I can feel every crack and the pain when it breaks.

I am struggling depressions, anxiety, nausea, migraine, self-harm and etc. And because of this I am considering the option of admitting myself to a mental-institution. I want to do this to sort out the reasons for my problems, and if there by any chance can be a logical explenation for my returning depressions. Maybe I am bipolar? But I dont know yet, at least not until I get examined for it.


Hvem er jeg?

Et spørsmål jeg ofte stiller meg er nettopp det. Hvem faen er jeg? Hvilken type personlighet har jeg? Og hvorfor i all verden måtte nettopp jeg møte så mye motstand?

Jeg trenger ikke utdype dette noe nærmere riktig enda. Det jeg kan fortelle er følgende:

Jeg er ei jente i tyveårene, jeg bor i en leilighet som jeg deler med en av mine beste venninner. Hvor i landet jeg befinner meg vil jeg dessverre ikke dele riktig enda. Dette fordi jeg helst ønsker å ha dette som en anonym blogg. En plass hvor ingen vet hvem jeg er, jeg kan være naboen din for alt du vet. Eller samboeren din.  Jeg er datteren din, niesen din eller kusinen din, uten at du vet det. Jeg skriver mine innlegg her for å få ut det mørkeste mørke som gjemmer seg inni meg.

Jeg har slitt med psyken min så lenge jeg kan huske, stort sett sammenhengende der alt har vært dritt, men innimellom har det vært et par ytterst korte perioder som jeg ikke kan klage på.

Jeg har gått til psykolog, men pga at denne psykologen var nyutdannet når h*n fikk meg i arkivet sitt, så orket jeg ikke fortsette å gå dit. Så jeg faket faktisk bedring, så jeg skulle bli friskskrevet. Det endte med at jeg fikk viljen min, og at jeg tydeligvis overbeviste meg selv også om at jeg hadde det bra. Men den boblen slo sprekker for 3,5 – 4 år siden. Og siden da har jeg slitt mye.

Det siste halvåret har vært preget av mye dritt fra familie og venner, jeg har dårlig råd, jeg orker egentlig ikke noen ting, men pusher meg opp daglig. Tanken om at jeg må tjene penger er konstant i bakhodet mitt. Men den må avvises momentant. Jeg går med smerter inni meg, som ikke kan forklares med andre ord enn at det kjennes ut som om hjertet blir til betong, før det sakte men sikkert knuses. Og du kjenner hver bidige sprekk og smerte i hvert knus.

Jeg sliter med depresjoner, angst, kvalme, migrene, selvskading etc. Og pga dette veier jeg alternativer opp mot frivillig innleggelse. Dette for å komme til bunns i hva problemene mine grunner i, og om det faktum at jeg har vedvarende depresjoner over så lang tid som jeg har hatt. Det er en mulighet for at jeg er bipolar, men dette er ikke sikkert enda da jeg ikke har fått noen ny utredning.

Kommer vel mer om meg og mine psykiske problemer (litt mer utdypende) senere ikveld..