When talking with your friends doesnt help anymore..

If there is one thing that friends will allways say to you if you are having a bad day its this:

“Talk with me if you need it, I’m here for you”

Because my experience is that when I actually want to accept that offer of help, something else happens. And I end up the “badguy”.

Some weeks ago, I had a really bad fight with one of my friends. She told me that it feels like I dont care about her anymore, and that I’m pushing her away, that I never want to hang out, and so on. Also she said that I allmost never contact her on my own, I dont tell her anything unless she nags about it, and she doesnt feel that she can call me her bestfriend anymore. I could write a book of alt the things she hit me in the face with. But I really dont want to. Anyways, I got sick and tired of feeling attacked and yelled at. I dont think thats OK at all. So I snapped back at her, something that I’ve been thinking about for some time..

“Just so you know, I am going to admit myself into a mental-institution soon!!!!” I wasnt planning on telling her, because I wasnt ready to share it with her just yet. But at least I got her attention, because she actually shut up. For about one second. And then she asked me why I wanted to do that. So i told her, straight forward.

“Heidi, I am depressed and I’ve been like this for a long time. I’ve tried to tell you many times, but you didnt want to hear it because you’ve been too busy about yourself and your own life. So I actually gave up. Im back to how my life was before going to my old therapist. I’m depressed and filled with anxiety most of the day. I started with self-harm again. I feel extreme pain on the inside all the fucking time! I allways feel guilty or bad about something and someone. And its allways towards you, other friends and my family. The only feedback I get is that I allways dissapoint the people in my life. It doesnt seem like I can handle friendships nor friends.  I’m allways thinking about my dept, I owe friends and family allmost 50.000NOK, if its not even more. And I cant even afford to live every month, because I dont earn enough money. But despite of all of this, my work is the only thing in my life I feel I am good at. Because when I’m at work, I dont have to think about trying to survive, but take care of the people at my job.”

Even after sharing all of this, even if it was in anger, “Heidi” (fake name) couldnt completely absorb what I just told her. She understood at the moment, and more than she did before, but she even managed to get this (MY CONDITION) to revolve about her! She was relieved that I didnt avoid her, that its not her fault, and that she didnt do anything wrong. Excuse me? I tell the person that is saying that she is my bestfriend, that I am struggling with mental problems, that I am depressed and doing self-harm again, and she is relieved because its not her fault I’ve isolated myself, and pushed her away from me?

I get shocked and angry. How can she sit there and say that she is relieved after what I just told her, just a couple minutes after she yelled at me, and complained about me? She pushed me over the edge, and she doesnt even realize it. She is saying that now when she knows whats going on, its easier for her to help me through this. And that I can contact her, and talk with her when I dont feel so good. To put it like this, after this last talk, Im not so excited about any of these things, because she allways missunderstand and make up new rules along the way.   And she likes to think that she is the perfect one in our friendship, and I can promise her that she isnt.

It doesnt help talking with her, or the person I’m living with. She knows some of the things thats going on, but not the part about the self-harming. She thinks that its sooo easy to tell someone that you are feeling miserable.  That it is a choice I make. Believe me, if this was a choice I could’ve done on my own, I wouldnt keep all this shit inside me for myself. But she can believe whatever she wants. I feel more and more apathetic about this whole situation.. I cant take this anymore. 

People are fake, unfair and disgusting creatures.. 

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