The breakdown

Earlier this evening I realized that I needed to talk with my mother and hear her voice in the phone. I’ve talked with her 3 times since christmas, and I felt that she was the only person in the world that could calm me down. The reason for this was an argument with someone claiming to be my bestfriend, but the whole thing ended up in us saying that we dont want to talk with eachother for some time, because both of us got incredible angry. I dont understand what reason she has to be angry for, when I was the one getting attacked as usual.  And I got enough. She allways mention the same things every time we talk, so now I think of arguing when I think of her. So, in other words; the last thing I need right now.

So I could only thing of one logical thing to do. Talk with my mother in the phone, and let all my frustration and anger towards “Heidi” (fake name) out, so I could get some feedback from my mother that my feelings and thoughts wasnt wrong. My mom agreed 120% with me, and she thinks that I should stay away from Heidi for a while. Because of how Heidi treats me and make me feel. And I agree. I want the old Heidi back, the girl I’ve known for 5-6 year. Because this person she turned in to is a total bitch without empathy and understanding for other people. The only person that seems to matter for her, is herself. And when I am feeling the way I feel mentally, her ego is the last thing I should, or want to think about.

I am depressed. I struggle with anxiety. I have ADD. I suffering with self-harming. And self- destructivity. I almost cant sleep at night and have headache on a regular basis. So I am going to call my doctor tomorrow, and ask for an emergency-appointment. An emergency-appointment to ask for getting an admition psychiatric ward. And that I also want to be tested to check if I have bipolar disorder. I think I have enough to think about if I’m not supposed to worry about how to deal with Heidi aswell?

Particularly when I’ve allready told her the reason why I dont want to drink alcohol, the reason why I isolate myself from everyone, the reason why I’m not the same person anymore. But no, her brain wont accept what I’m telling her. So I give up. I dont have the energy to argue, and get angry and frustrated every time I talk with her just because she is a egotistical brat that cant understand the fact that I need to take care of ONE person. Myself!

Damn!

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