Who am I?

Thats a question I often ask myself. Who the hell am I? What kind of personality do I have? And whats the reason for giving me all this pain and resistance in life?

I dont have to explain it any furter right now. But what I can tell you is this:

I am a girl in my early twenties, and I share an apartment with one of my best friends in the world. Exactly where I live in Norway is better that I keep for myself right now. And thats because I prefer having this as an anonymous blog. And use this blog as a sanctuary where nobody knows who I am. I could be your neighbour for all you know. Or your room-mate. I am your daughter, niece or cousin, without you knowing it.  I write these posts to let out some of the darkness thats hiding inside me.

I’ve struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember, where most of the time has been filled with shitty mood and episodes. But I’ve also experienced a few good times that I really cant complain about.

I used to go to a therapist, but since the therapist I had was fresh in the game, I couldnt bare continuing to go there. So I was faking the fact that I was getting better, så my therapist would finish the sessions with me. And it worked, not only convincing the therapist that I was feeling good again, but also I convinced myself.  But that bubble of “happines” broke about 3,5-4 years ago, and since then I’ve been struggling a lot.

The last 6 months has been awful, and I’ve had to take a lot of shit from family and friends complaining about me, my economy is bad, I dont have energy for anything, but still I am pushing myself everyday. I have one thought in my mind all the time, and that is to earn money. But I have to try and push that thought away. The pain I feel inside me, cant be explaned in a proper way, other than it feels like my heart turns into concrete, before it slowly breaks into little pieces. And I can feel every crack and the pain when it breaks.

I am struggling depressions, anxiety, nausea, migraine, self-harm and etc. And because of this I am considering the option of admitting myself to a mental-institution. I want to do this to sort out the reasons for my problems, and if there by any chance can be a logical explenation for my returning depressions. Maybe I am bipolar? But I dont know yet, at least not until I get examined for it.

 

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4 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. Keep at it. If the bubble of joy made you happier- maybe you need to concentrate on getting it back. Anonymous blogging is great, and there’s hardly any complications that come with it, but maybe in your case you should talk to your best friend about it, because the fact that no one on the internet really knows you, will make it harder to give advice, and even though a comment can make you a whole lot better- sometimes you are just in need of a hug.

    Good luck, I’m sure you’ll be fine. x

    • Hi!
      Thanks for your comment. I have to say that this post was first written about one week ago, but I havent translated it into english until recently. After this post was first written, I’ve actually told people close to me whats happening (my mom, grandmom, my bestfriend). And also wednesday this week I went to my doctor. He sent a letter of recomandation to get me admitted at a senter for people struggling with depressions etc.. My situation was serious enough that he wanted to send it right away. So I am going to get help, but I just dont know when or what kind of help I will get.

      x

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