Emotional rollercoaster

I know it’s tabu, that its not “accepted” in the norwegian society to find love in another country. A lot of prejudice and opinions that tells you that you are stupid, naiv and making a mistake. I allready have a past with finding love in another country. I was in a relationship, and later engaged to a turkish man from August 2011 to May 2012. And also from July 2012 to September 2012 I was in a relationship with another turkish guy. But now I’ve been single since September last year. I lost little bit faith in love after that last relationship, and I was thinking that no man could ever love me. That I was just someone to use for fun or something like that. I thought I found true love with both of them, even if I was unhappy in both relationships. Understand it if you can..!

But now, I find myself falling for yet a turkish man. This time, its a “grown” man. He is 27 years old, and we are at the same place in life. My ex-boyfriends were 22 and 25, and immature as hell. But what makes me feel safer about this guy’s feelings for me, is the fact that he had to fight for me. And he did, without complaining about it. I was interesten in another man, and we had something going on between us. But even if I had this other guy, I still talked a lot with Alex (fake name) every night. He told me about his feelings for me. That he still regret the fact that he didnt take a chance when he had the opportunity the first time we met. He told me that he fell for my eyes, my smile, my temper and the fact that I’m not afraid to speak out if something is bugging me. But when I told him about the guy I was “going out with”, he pulled away. And he still regret it after all these months.

After endless conversations with Alex the last months, and the honesty between us, I now find myself being in love with him. I’ve stopped talking with my ex-flirt, because he doesnt seem serious at all. Alex, on the other hand sends me texts throughout the day, and we talk with eachother several hours every day and night. I’ve been honest with him, and I’ve told him that I am falling for him, but that also made it hard for me to know what to do about this other guy. And he understood me, but knowing this made him fight for me. He fought to make me forget about this other man, and that I just wanted to be with one person; him. And a couple of weeks ago, I had a breakthrough.

I was talking with Peter (fake name for the other guy). And the butterflies I previously had for him, was gone. They had disappeared from my heart and body. But when I talked with Alex, the butterflies came back. The feelings, heart beating faster at the sight of seeing him on cam. The non-stop smiling and laughter. Everything felt right. And I knew that Alex is the one that I want. And now its us. The love-messages is sweeter than caramels dipped in sugar, and I am longing for the moment I can be with him again. Spending time with him, and feeling his arm oround me, the feeling of being just the two of us. I am in love with this amazing guy, and I love how we communicate with eachother, and how much we communicate. And the fact that we can be honest with eachother all the time.

But someone will probably react about the way we’ve found eachother. Through internet, serious conversations, loveydovey texts and laughter. Without spending so much time with eachother “in real life”. But this is how I feel. I am in love with Alex, and I have feelings beyond this world for him. Right now there’s just want thing I want to do. Jump on a plane, and go to him, and never go back to Norway again. Just be him and me, the two of us against the rest of the world. Even if I am struggling with my depressions, I dont think about the pain on my inside as long as I talk with him. But the minute he goes to work, and cant come back online until 3-4 in the morning when he quit his shift, I feel lonely and abandoned. I get worried, and everything feels painful and bad again. So the last few days, when he had the opportunity to not work as much, but talk with me online instead, well.. I’ve been lucky to have great days instead of awful. These days was actually good enough to keep me away from the razorblades and the self-harming.

I am a depressed, anxietyfilled self-harmer that suddenly have fallen in love in the middle of it all.

Hello emotional rollercoaster?:P

Jeg er en deprimert, angstfylt selvskader som har blitt forelsket oppi det hele. Heisann følelsesladd karusell?:p

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Karusell med følelser

Jeg vet det er tabu, at det ikke er “akseptert” i det norske samfunnet å finne kjærligheten i et annet land. Mye fordommer og formeninger om at man er dum, naiv og begår en feil. Jeg har allerede en fortid med å finne kjærligheten i et annet land. Da jeg iløpet av tiden august 2011 til mai 2012 var sammen med, og etterhvert forlovet med en tyrkisk mann bosatt i Tyrkia. I tillegg til at jeg ble sammen med en annen tyrkisk mann fra juli 2012 til september 2012. Men nå har jeg altså vært singel siden september ifjor. Jeg mistet litt troen på kjærligheten etter mitt siste forhold, og tenkte at ingen mann kunne elske meg. At jeg bare var en “bruksgjenstand”, som noen kunne leke seg med. Jeg trodde jeg hadde funnet kjærligheten begge gangene, selv om jeg var ulykkelig med begge to. Forstå det, den som kan!

Nå derimot, har jeg nok en gang falt for en tyrker. Denne gangen er det en “voksen” mann. Han er 27år gammel. Mine ekser forholdsvis 22 og 25. Det som gjør at jeg nå føler meg tryggere på denne mannen og hans følelser for meg, er det at han har måttet kjempe for meg. Jeg var interessert i en annen mann, og hadde noe på gang med ham. Men likevel snakket jeg mye med Alex (falskt navn), hver eneste kveld. Han fortalte meg etterhvert om sine følelser for meg At han angret så fælt på at han ikke tok sjangsen på å bli ordentlig kjent med meg når jeg var i Tyrkia sist. Han hadde falt for øynene, smilet og temperamentet mitt. Det at jeg turte å si ifra om noe som provoserte meg. Men det at jeg nevnte min daværende flørt når han spurte meg om jeg hadde type, fikk ham til å trekke seg litt unna. Noe han har angret på i flere måneder nå.

Etter utallige samtaler med Alex de siste månedene, og den ærligheten som har vært mellom oss hele veien, så har jeg nå falt for ham. Jeg har sluttet å snakke med min eks-flørt, fordi han ikke virker seriøs i det hele tatt. Alex derimot, sender meg meldinger gjennom hele dagen, og vi snakker sammen flerfoldige timer hver eneste dag. Jeg har vært ærlig med ham, og fortalt ham at jeg holdt på å falle for ham, men at det var vanskelig for meg å vite hva jeg skulle gjøre pga denne andre mannen. Og dette forsto han. Men det fikk ham til å ville kjempe for meg. Kjempe for at jeg skulle glemme denne andre mannen, og kun ville ha en person, han selv. Og for et par uker siden kom gjennombruddet.

Jeg snakket med Peter (falskt navn på den andre mannen). Og de sommerfuglene jeg tidligere hadde hatt for ham, var borte. De var som forsvunnet fra meg. Og når jeg like etterpå snakket med Alex, så var sommerfuglene der. Følelsene, hjertet som banket fortere ved synet av ham på cam. Smilet som ikke ville gi seg. Alt stemte. Og jeg visste at Alex er den jeg vil ha. Og nå er det oss. Kjærlighetserklæringene er søtere enn sukkerdyppet karamell, og jeg lengter etter å få være med ham igjen. Få tilbringe tid i armkroken hans, og kjenne følelsen av å være kun meg og ham. Jeg er forelsket i denne fantastiske fyren, og jeg elsker hvordan vi kommuniserer med hverandre, hvor mye vi kommuniserer og at vi kan være ærlige med hverandre hele tiden.

Men noen vil sikkert reagere på måten vi har funnet sammen på. Gjennom internett, alvorlige samtaler, klissete meldinger og latter. Uten å ha tilbragt så altfor mye tid sammen personlig. Men dette er slik jeg føler det. Jeg er forelsket i Alex, og har blitt utrolig glad i ham. Og akkurat nå er det kun en ting i hele verden jeg har lyst til. Nemlig å reise til ham, og ikke dra hjem igjen. Bare være meg og ham, mot resten av verden. Selv om jeg sliter med mine psykiske problemer, så kjenner jeg ikke på det vonde inni meg, så lenge jeg snakker med ham. Men så snart han drar på jobb, og ikke kommer på nett igjen før midt på natten, så føler jeg meg ensom og forlatt. Jeg blir bekymret, og alt kjennes vondt og fælt ut igjen. Så de dagene han ikke har jobbet så mye i det siste, men heller vært på nett og snakket med meg, så har jeg hatt noen fantastiske dager. Så bra, at den siste uken har vært skadefri!

Jeg er en deprimert, angstfylt selvskader som har blitt forelsket oppi det hele. Heisann følelsesladd karusell?:p

Update

I’ve been very quiet for a while now. Sorry for that! But I’ve had a lot to thing about the last 1,5 week, and the result of that is not wanting to update.

What happened was that I had an argument with my friend, and because of the fight I had a breakdown. This breakdown made me call my doctor asking for an emergency appointment. And I got one wednesday last week (two days after I called). I was inside talking with my doctor for about an hour or so, telling him about my problems, showing him my cuts, and telling him about my feelings, and all this made him decide to write a letter of recomandation to a mental institution, and send it the same day. So now I’m wondering about how long I have to wait for some feedback after this recomandation.  The answer from the institution will most likely be an appointment for a meeting with one of the people there, and then discussing ways of treatment. Either its going to be admition for 24/7 treatment, or just meetings with a psychologist. Im hoping for the first kind of treatment.

So that means that the people closest to me now knows whats going on. The only person I didnt tell yet is my father, and telling him is what makes me the most nervous. So I’m going to write it all down, and make him read it. Hopefully I will do that tonight. He gets home between 22 and 23 o’clock from work, and then its about time to tell him and let him know. I have to be the person telling him, so he wont hear it from anyone else than me.  It can hurt him even more if anyone else tell him, than if he get the news directly from me.

Wish me luck!

Oppdatering

Har vært stille fra meg alt for lenge nå. Beklager dette! Men jeg har hatt mye å tenke på den siste 1,5 uken, noe som har resultert i lite blogglyst.

Det som skjedde var rett og slett at jeg kranglet med venninnen min, og jeg fikk et sammenbrudd. Dette sammenbruddet førte rett og slett til at jeg bestilte hastetime til fastlegen min, og fikk time forrige onsdag (to dager etter jeg ringte). Var inne til legen i nesten en time, og etter å ha fortalt legen om problemene mine og følelsene mine, samt at han fikk se kuttene mine, så bestemte han seg for å sende en henvisning til DPS samme dag. Så nå er jeg spent på hvor lang tid jeg må vente før jeg får tilbakemelding på denne henvisningen. Da får jeg mest sannsynlig innkalling til samtale, og deretter blir det drøftet hva som skal skje videre av behandling. Enten innleggelse med behandling, eller kun behandling. Jeg håper på førstnevnte.

Så det vil si at nå vet mine nærmeste om hva som skjer. Den eneste jeg ikke har snakket med om dette er min far, og det gruer jeg meg mest til. Så jeg skal skrive alt ned, og la ham lese det selv. Nå ikveld helst. Han kommer hjem mellom 22 og 23 ikveld, og da er det på tide å la ham vite det. Jeg må være den som sier det til ham, så han ikke får høre det fra noen andre enn meg. Det kan såre ham mer at noen andre sier det, enn at han får høre det direkte fra meg.

Ønsk meg lykke til!

The breakdown

Earlier this evening I realized that I needed to talk with my mother and hear her voice in the phone. I’ve talked with her 3 times since christmas, and I felt that she was the only person in the world that could calm me down. The reason for this was an argument with someone claiming to be my bestfriend, but the whole thing ended up in us saying that we dont want to talk with eachother for some time, because both of us got incredible angry. I dont understand what reason she has to be angry for, when I was the one getting attacked as usual.  And I got enough. She allways mention the same things every time we talk, so now I think of arguing when I think of her. So, in other words; the last thing I need right now.

So I could only thing of one logical thing to do. Talk with my mother in the phone, and let all my frustration and anger towards “Heidi” (fake name) out, so I could get some feedback from my mother that my feelings and thoughts wasnt wrong. My mom agreed 120% with me, and she thinks that I should stay away from Heidi for a while. Because of how Heidi treats me and make me feel. And I agree. I want the old Heidi back, the girl I’ve known for 5-6 year. Because this person she turned in to is a total bitch without empathy and understanding for other people. The only person that seems to matter for her, is herself. And when I am feeling the way I feel mentally, her ego is the last thing I should, or want to think about.

I am depressed. I struggle with anxiety. I have ADD. I suffering with self-harming. And self- destructivity. I almost cant sleep at night and have headache on a regular basis. So I am going to call my doctor tomorrow, and ask for an emergency-appointment. An emergency-appointment to ask for getting an admition psychiatric ward. And that I also want to be tested to check if I have bipolar disorder. I think I have enough to think about if I’m not supposed to worry about how to deal with Heidi aswell?

Particularly when I’ve allready told her the reason why I dont want to drink alcohol, the reason why I isolate myself from everyone, the reason why I’m not the same person anymore. But no, her brain wont accept what I’m telling her. So I give up. I dont have the energy to argue, and get angry and frustrated every time I talk with her just because she is a egotistical brat that cant understand the fact that I need to take care of ONE person. Myself!

Damn!

Being sick and stuff..

Todays plan for survival was really simple enough, but still some things seems impossible to do..

1. Wake up (check)

2. Stay awake (check)

3. SmokeRøyk (check x 2)

4. Make a bowl with oatmeal (check)

5. Shower (check)

6. Put on some make up, and feel kind of alive.  (check, but I still feel apathetic)

7. Clean the refrigerator

8. Vacuum the apartment

9. Wash some clothes

10. Breathe with my stomach when things feel difficult to handle.

I feel that I’ve managed to do something on my list of things to do for today. But the last few points seems prohibitive. I just want to stay here, in my bed, in my bedroom. With the lights off and my laptop in front of me.  But I have duties. Even though nobody expects me to clean the refrigerator, or clothes, or vacuum. But I know that my roomie expects me to have done something while she was at work all day.

Expectations, duties and demands etc.. They actually suck..

When talking with your friends doesnt help anymore..

If there is one thing that friends will allways say to you if you are having a bad day its this:

“Talk with me if you need it, I’m here for you”

Because my experience is that when I actually want to accept that offer of help, something else happens. And I end up the “badguy”.

Some weeks ago, I had a really bad fight with one of my friends. She told me that it feels like I dont care about her anymore, and that I’m pushing her away, that I never want to hang out, and so on. Also she said that I allmost never contact her on my own, I dont tell her anything unless she nags about it, and she doesnt feel that she can call me her bestfriend anymore. I could write a book of alt the things she hit me in the face with. But I really dont want to. Anyways, I got sick and tired of feeling attacked and yelled at. I dont think thats OK at all. So I snapped back at her, something that I’ve been thinking about for some time..

“Just so you know, I am going to admit myself into a mental-institution soon!!!!” I wasnt planning on telling her, because I wasnt ready to share it with her just yet. But at least I got her attention, because she actually shut up. For about one second. And then she asked me why I wanted to do that. So i told her, straight forward.

“Heidi, I am depressed and I’ve been like this for a long time. I’ve tried to tell you many times, but you didnt want to hear it because you’ve been too busy about yourself and your own life. So I actually gave up. Im back to how my life was before going to my old therapist. I’m depressed and filled with anxiety most of the day. I started with self-harm again. I feel extreme pain on the inside all the fucking time! I allways feel guilty or bad about something and someone. And its allways towards you, other friends and my family. The only feedback I get is that I allways dissapoint the people in my life. It doesnt seem like I can handle friendships nor friends.  I’m allways thinking about my dept, I owe friends and family allmost 50.000NOK, if its not even more. And I cant even afford to live every month, because I dont earn enough money. But despite of all of this, my work is the only thing in my life I feel I am good at. Because when I’m at work, I dont have to think about trying to survive, but take care of the people at my job.”

Even after sharing all of this, even if it was in anger, “Heidi” (fake name) couldnt completely absorb what I just told her. She understood at the moment, and more than she did before, but she even managed to get this (MY CONDITION) to revolve about her! She was relieved that I didnt avoid her, that its not her fault, and that she didnt do anything wrong. Excuse me? I tell the person that is saying that she is my bestfriend, that I am struggling with mental problems, that I am depressed and doing self-harm again, and she is relieved because its not her fault I’ve isolated myself, and pushed her away from me?

I get shocked and angry. How can she sit there and say that she is relieved after what I just told her, just a couple minutes after she yelled at me, and complained about me? She pushed me over the edge, and she doesnt even realize it. She is saying that now when she knows whats going on, its easier for her to help me through this. And that I can contact her, and talk with her when I dont feel so good. To put it like this, after this last talk, Im not so excited about any of these things, because she allways missunderstand and make up new rules along the way.   And she likes to think that she is the perfect one in our friendship, and I can promise her that she isnt.

It doesnt help talking with her, or the person I’m living with. She knows some of the things thats going on, but not the part about the self-harming. She thinks that its sooo easy to tell someone that you are feeling miserable.  That it is a choice I make. Believe me, if this was a choice I could’ve done on my own, I wouldnt keep all this shit inside me for myself. But she can believe whatever she wants. I feel more and more apathetic about this whole situation.. I cant take this anymore. 

People are fake, unfair and disgusting creatures.. 

Something to die for…

For a few days now, I’ve been feeling that a special kind of thought is bullying my mind.

How many tablets do I have to take before it kills me?

I dont know. What I do know is that painkillers isnt good in the long run. And that we shouldnt take more painkillers than what the doctor said. But I can actually take 4 x 500mg painkillers (paracetamol) when I have a headache, and I dont even feel tipsy. And I have to admit that I get curious about how far I can push the limit? And preferably crossing it. One box, or two?

But I’m to much of a coward to try to find it out. At the moment, its just curiousity playing mindtricks on me…

Norwegian or english?

Even though I’ve had this blog for some days no, I still didnt decide if I should write in norwegian or english. I’ve allready gotten in touch with a very nice lade from the US, but I kind of feel that it is little bit unfair that I can read about her life and her stories, while she cant get the same use out of my blog since I’m writing in norwegian?

But I’ve decided to write the posts twice. One time in norwegian, and after a couple of days I will translate it into english when I got the energy for it.

The only fear I have about writing this blog, even if its anonymous, is that somebody that knows me and my story will find it at recognize me. I hope I dont have to worry about it and that it wont happen. Because right now I really need to let my thoughts flow, and write exactly what I feel inside when I am fighting this battle with my own mind and body.

This was an silly article.. *publish*.. Start all over again..

Who am I?

Thats a question I often ask myself. Who the hell am I? What kind of personality do I have? And whats the reason for giving me all this pain and resistance in life?

I dont have to explain it any furter right now. But what I can tell you is this:

I am a girl in my early twenties, and I share an apartment with one of my best friends in the world. Exactly where I live in Norway is better that I keep for myself right now. And thats because I prefer having this as an anonymous blog. And use this blog as a sanctuary where nobody knows who I am. I could be your neighbour for all you know. Or your room-mate. I am your daughter, niece or cousin, without you knowing it.  I write these posts to let out some of the darkness thats hiding inside me.

I’ve struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember, where most of the time has been filled with shitty mood and episodes. But I’ve also experienced a few good times that I really cant complain about.

I used to go to a therapist, but since the therapist I had was fresh in the game, I couldnt bare continuing to go there. So I was faking the fact that I was getting better, så my therapist would finish the sessions with me. And it worked, not only convincing the therapist that I was feeling good again, but also I convinced myself.  But that bubble of “happines” broke about 3,5-4 years ago, and since then I’ve been struggling a lot.

The last 6 months has been awful, and I’ve had to take a lot of shit from family and friends complaining about me, my economy is bad, I dont have energy for anything, but still I am pushing myself everyday. I have one thought in my mind all the time, and that is to earn money. But I have to try and push that thought away. The pain I feel inside me, cant be explaned in a proper way, other than it feels like my heart turns into concrete, before it slowly breaks into little pieces. And I can feel every crack and the pain when it breaks.

I am struggling depressions, anxiety, nausea, migraine, self-harm and etc. And because of this I am considering the option of admitting myself to a mental-institution. I want to do this to sort out the reasons for my problems, and if there by any chance can be a logical explenation for my returning depressions. Maybe I am bipolar? But I dont know yet, at least not until I get examined for it.